Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bob Chronicles - Eighth in a Series

This is a first! Someone who regularly reads the old blog has made a request! They are ready for another Bob Chronicle! What's up JV? So, I dug back in my memory to come up with a story that I had not shared yet.

I landed in 1988, when I was a young 20 year old, working, going to college and still living at home. That puts Bob at about 42 years of age. Healthy as a horse, never went to the doctor.

Bob came home from work one night with a major limp and told my mom that his big toe was killing him. He took off his shoe and sock and showed us his toe. It was angry, red and swollen at the egde of the nail. Mom tells him that he probably has an ingrown toenail that is infected. She told him to run up to the Doc in the Box, where they would probably lance it, drain it and give him some antibiotics. He didn't like the sound of being lanced, but he just couldn't stand the pain any longer so he relented and limped out of the house.

We waited and waited for his return. It took much longer than we expected. Like a couple of hours before we heard his car pull up in the driveway. We both grimaced at each other because we thought he was going to be cranky if he had been made wait so long.

He walked through the front door without a shoe or sock on his foot and the largest white bandage you have ever seen on his big toe. It really looked like something out of a cartoon. He was walking on his heel, looking at us and just shaking his head.

What in the world?

He says "You won't believe what I have been through." We, of course, immediately start laughing.

Here is how the story goes. He gets in to see the doctor and yep, his toenail is ingrown and infected. Bob says, "So you are going to lance it." Doctor says "Nope, going to have to rip it out."

Hmmmm? I'm sorry, what's that you said?? It sounded like you said "rip it out".

Yep, that's right. We will cut your big toenail in half and rip out the half with the ingrown nail.

EXCUSE ME???? My wife said their might be some lancing and some antibiotics. You are going to cut my toenail in half? Have I mentioned how sore it is, even to touch?

Sorry, that is the only way to fix the problem and so they did just that.

First, they numbed it, which is absolutely hysterical, because it required multiple big long needles being stuck in, around and under his nail. Talk about painful! He was writhing all over the table asking it if was really necessary. The nurse says "We are going to rip your toenail out, trust me, you want it to be numb."

Holy Moly.

The doctor came in with some garden shears or something, cut Bob's big toenail right in half all the way down to the base of his nail. Bob has some thick toenails too! Must be from wearing combat boots for all those years. Once it was cut, the doctor got out some pliers from his tool belt and ripped that sucker off.

HOLLER if your big toe hurts right now!!! Mine is killing me!!!

Anyway, it bled pretty good which resulted in the cartoon style bandage. Bob brought the nail home for us to see, complete with its ingrown corkscrew appendage.

IT WAS HUGE!!! (Typing in all caps means I am really emphasizing that word! My eyes are getting bigger, eyebrows are shooting up and I mean HUGE!!)

It took some time to heal and for his nail to grow back, but it eventually did.

Bob never believed my mother again. If she says, "you just have to pee in a cup" he is heading for the hills!

That was fun! Another walk down memory lane! I can't wait to hear from my Dad when he reads this. We will relive it again on the phone I am sure!

Hope ya'll have a great day and do something nice for your toenails tonight!


  1. BRAVO! BRAVO! (notice the all caps)


  2. sounds like it is time for another pedicure


  3. OMG!!!! I am still cringing in pain from reading that. It's way too early in the morning to think about having your toenail ripped off. OUCH!!!!!!!!