Thursday, April 21, 2011

Answer Me This.....???

I read a blog this morning where the author posted some open questions to her children. It was hysterical and made me realize that I have some questions of my own that I would like to pose to my children. So, I am stealing the idea, with the sincere hope that getting these answered will bring some understanding between the old/young - parent/child - mother/sons in this house.

1. Why don't you throw away the box when you use or eat the last item? Why do you put empty boxes back in the pantry? I don't understand this. The garbage can is literally two feet away. If you just pivot on one foot from the pantry, you can reach the garbage can without even trying that hard. You won't even have to stretch your arm out that far. No risk of injury, I promise. While on the subject of empty boxes...let's also cover bags of chips. Do you really think someone will be happy to reach into the pantry for some pretzels and find only three broken up partial pieces along with a teaspoon of salt. And how about cereal. Can you really not fit the last three Cheerios into your cereal bowl? Do you really think the next time you want some Cheerios that you will be happy to pick up the box and find those three little dried up O's all alone in the bottom of the giant box? I know that doesn't make me happy. Not at all. So, please explain why it is easier to put an empty box back into the pantry instead of into the garbage can.

2. Can you please help me understand what happens when you stand in front of a toilet that causes such frequent and blatant misdirection of your bodily fluids? Have you waited too long and are in such a hurry that fluids are leaving your body before you are correctly positioned? I don't have body parts like you so I really do not understand what the difficulty is with aiming that thing at the target. Is it like holding a fire hose? Is it so powerful that you are wrestling it from the moment you start peeing to when you are finished? Help me understand. I am so tired of my bathroom smelling like a gas station bathroom. I can tell immediately upon sitting myself down on the toilet that someone has missed. I am immediately transported to a 7-11 somewhere. It is not good. I think that sometimes if folks knew what went on in the bathroom of our house that they wouldn't even want to drink a cup of coffee here. I thank God for Clorox, but seriously would appreciate it so much if you boys would invent a self cleaning bathroom. Here is my vision: Something stark and sterile with a giant drain hole in the middle of the floor. A self-sealing unit that you pull the door closed, hit a button and boiling hot, antibacterial laced water blasts every surface in the place. Think of a car wash type set up with nozzels spinning and hitting all the nooks and crannies. I would also suggests some blowers to dry off the counters, walls and toilet quickly and efficiently. There are moms of boys all over this country that would pay for this feature in their homes. I promise you. It could make you super wealthy. Get on it.

3. Socks. I hate winter just because that means you little people will be wearing socks. Socks alone are not bad. They serve a great purpose. My question is why do you take off your socks at random places around the house AND leave them there? Socks belong in the dirty clothes category. They are tiny little pieces of dirty clothes. So, when you are taking off your clothes they generally and usually make it into the laundry basket. Socks? Hardly ever. WHY? Is it a game you are playing with me? Let's leave our socks in random and weird places all over the house and see if mom can find them. I don't like that game. It is kind of like "Banana Puncher". I don't like that game either. And on the subject of socks, if you pull off your shoe to show me the GIANT hole in the toe of your sock, please, please take that sock off immediately and throw it in the trash. Don't make me wash it, dry it, sort it, put it back in your dresser to have you wear again. If your sock has a hole that is big enough to say.....stick a Wii controller through (trying to give them something they understand) then THROW IT AWAY!!!! I'm yelling with my all caps because this one is so obvious to me, but I don't think you guys get it. Help me understand. Please.

That is all I have for now, my sweet little cherubs! You answer these for me and it may restore world peace. At least peace in our little piece of the world.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I am starting to wonder if maybe you guys don't know where the garbage can is in our house. It is the giant stainless steel can in the kitchen. It has a black bar you step on to open the lid. You should play with it. It is fun. New family game night - "Feed the Garbage Can". I really should have thought of this sooner....

4 comments:

  1. Moms all over the universe want the answers to these questions! On the other hand, my son threw away a half full bag of chips instead of putting them back in the pantry. Imagine my confusion in my haste to pack lunches. Where is the bag of chips you just had yesterday? I know you didn't eat a whole bag of chips. IN THE TRASH. Where we apparently are now keeping our leftovers. Yum.

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  2. And remind me if you ever invite me over for leftovers to say "NO".

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  3. I am truly amazed at the places I find socks. I would never have to buy another sock ... if I chose to stick my hand in the bowels of every seat my children sit in! For some reason, they can wedge socks into the CRAZIEST places of recliners and couches!

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