Saturday, September 15, 2012

Bob Chronicles - Thirteenth in a Series

This is my 555th blog post!  Isn't that crazy?  It is going to be a doozie!

I have mentioned several times lately that Lana has been on a cross country month long trip traversing the U.S with a couple of her girlfriends.  That means that Bob has been left unsupervised.   For 30 days.  Can't you just imagine the kind of trouble that has gotten Bob into?  I tried to call Bob pretty regularly just to make sure he hadn't fallen down on the back patio and broken a rib.  It has happened, so it wasn't out of the realm of possibility.  Once things started going south for Bob, I started jotting down some notes.  Let's cover the highlights:

Within days of flying solo, Bob was outside cleaning the sidewalk.  Somehow the outside hose busted and apparently showered half the neighborhood before Bob could get it turned off.  It gave him some good chuckles relating the story about the water shooting everywhere.  Nothing a quick trip to Lowe's and $17 couldn't fix.   New hose installed and all is well.

Shortly after the hose incident, his computer monitor went out on his main computer. Bob was thinking fast on his feet and moved the flat screen TV from the guest room to replace the bad monitor.  Not so quickly, he had to go buy a new monitor cable from Walmart to get it connected. Bob hooked it up and kept getting an error message saying he had to change the view settings to get the monitor to work. Unfortunately you can't change the settings when you can't see what you are doing on your monitor.  He was in a pickle.  He was relaying his dilemma to his sweet neighbor, Ms. Ellen and she let him borrow her computer monitor so he could get on change the settings and hook back up the TV.  It took him a while, to hook up, reset, rebook up, return the borrowed monitor, etc...but he finally got it fixed.

I called him a couple of evenings later and when I asked how things were going he just started laughing.  I grabbed my pen.

Bob decided he was going to make himself some burgers.  Bob is no chef, but he has made certainly made burgers.  He needed to thaw out his hamburger meat so he popped it into the microwave.  He doesn't do this often and accidentally set the microwave to thaw three pounds of hamburger instead of one pound of hamburger.  By the time he noticed his error, half the meat was cooked in the package.  He tried to form some patties with the half raw/half cooked meat and things were not holding together very well.  He recognized it was going to be impossible to go with his hamburger plan, so he decided he would go with Sloppy Joes.  He needed some Sloppy Joe mix so he decided to run up to Kroger and grab some.  Wouldn't you know it...his car wouldn't start.  The battery was dead.  There may or may not have been some cussing going on in Bob's driveway.  Bob doesn't operate well without food and he needed to get the Sloppy Joe's cooked and in his stomach.  It was not going to happen until Bob got his jumper cables out and jumped off the dead car, ran up to Auto Zone, dropped $106 to purchase a new battery.   Finally, he got his Sloppy Joe Mix, whipped up dinner and answered my phone call.

A couple days go by without a major malfunction and then disaster struck again.  Bob hears the toilet running.  Bob knows toilets.  He has repaired them, replaced them, used them damn near his whole life.  He runs up to Lowe's to get a kit to replace the valve.  First step he takes is to shut off the water supply valve by the wall.  He still heard some water running but the valve was all the way closed so he proceeded to take off the water line connected to the toilet. When he got it about half way loose it came flying off and water was going every where.  In desperation he began trying to screw it back on which is next to impossible when the water is rushing out, but he finally got it done. He was drenched.  The entire bathroom was drenched.  He cleaned up the mess, proceeded out to the street to shut off the main water supply to the house.  Then got the valve replaced and got the toilet working. Cost $28.50.

With everything going to hell in a hand basket Bob went to bed early one evening to get a good nights sleep.  I have told you before that Bob uses a sleeping machine to help his breathing during the night. It is a machine that pumps air and moisture through a tube connected to a sleeping mask that is strapped tightly on his face. He has been using this machine for three years with NO problems. Well with Lana gone, his mojo is way off.  During the night, he got up to head to the bathroom and didn't disconnect the hose from his mask.  Ended up dragging the machine off his nightstand and across the bedroom floor.  It broke.  He had to take it in for repairs.  It takes about two weeks and $150 to repair.  What next?

Bob figured surely he could go a couple days without doing something stupid happening, but it was not to be.  He stepped out of the shower one morning and reached over to his bathroom scales (the professional kind like the ones in the doctors office) and noticed the scale wasn't balanced.  In fact, he couldn't get it to stop clucking down really hard.  His first thought was that when he was doing his massive water clean up a few days earlier during the toilet repair fiasco he must have moved the scale and screwed it up.  He dried himself off and headed out to the garage for his toolbox. He figured a scale couldn't be that complicated, so he started unscrewing all the parts he could find, checking cables, etc.  He wiggled a few things around, adjusted the balancing weight then stepped on the scales and everything worked. He did it.  Then it hit him....he hadn't repaired anything.  It was never broken.  He just wasn't standing on it when he first noticed the problem.  The scale wasn't broken at all.  He shook his head.  Wondered out loud if maybe he needed to start taking some kind of memory supplement.  Not sure it is your memory Bob.

He wrapped up his solo month with a lovely Grandparent's Day celebration up at my brother's house.  Here is a little video clip that Ms. Tennessee captured of Bob in his competitive swim mode.  Crank up the volume so you can hear him smack talking his 12 year old grandson.  They are backstroking with only their feet:


He won this race, but not an hour later cracked his head open on the garage door playing ping pong.  It was a bloody mess and he said he actually saw stars! 

Thank God, Lana is back home.  At least there is another person in the house to help Bob save himself.     I think a Life Alert necklace, helmet and some ginkgo biloba and ginseng may be on his Christmas List this year!  

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